So long story short

I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.

Long story:

I guess I believed that I didn’t have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people

I haven’t had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger’s but again no formal diagnosis.

I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so…persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.

I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am “broken”

But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being “paralysed” by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.

I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people’s bs to a reasonable degree.

I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a “second inner self” that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective “energy” too

My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right “persona” to put on for the right “performance”

I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.

I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections

I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how “heavily burdened” my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to “fit in”

I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.

might come across as graphics ( ie suicidal

It makes me feel very stuck in life as I struggle to move forward and I am not so young anymore so the aging feels like noose with time being the hangman. The thought does come to my mind of suicide, but life has given me reason enough to fear death as I have lived through experiences ( dodging a knife swung at me, not acting out rage and it scarying me that i was euphorically angry, survive almost drowning, had a near miss of a metal rugby tog hitting my eye) that have made me realise I don’t really want to die

I do have a suicide prevention buddy, that I try and keep in contact with and only really ask for help when it gets really bad as they rightfully don’t engage with my ramblings unless it is very serious. They are very busy, but still find time ti try and be someone to offer assistance and try pass on job opportunities if they find something they they think is applicable

Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end

  • JayEchoRay@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
    1·
    6 days ago

    Thank you for the reply

    Yeah the strong sense of justice thing i get because I have been in the situations where I feel angry at it and is almost character defining

    I don’t know if that is a result of childhood trauma mixing with later life trauma and from that just becoming a state of existence

    I like that aspect of being able to talk, but unfortunately the person who I could talk to for hours was an ex, and that is messy because there are still feelings there and because of that I cannot communicate with them when they are hopping between relationships

    Otherwise, people just shut down, make assumptions or move away.

    So I have just been very avoidant and keep everything in because when I share a lot of the time it is met with silence or disinterest.

    I don’t know if I mentioned it before but in the country where I live there is about 33% unemployment which enforce quotas require race and gender based distribution. Unfortunately by legal definitions, I am in the least desirable demographic.

    Without a form of nepotism, one has to be, jn my case, generally exceptional to make it past such filters and even then expect to be stuck at lower end of the ladder because the upper end has its quotas already filled.

    It is just a fact of life here that connections equal job mobility or one must start one’s own income stream.

    If not, then sucks to suck.

    The thing that worked the longest, but collapsed was a regime of

    -exercise -read a book -Journaling -meditation -affirmations -mindfulness -self-care

    But without support to help me keep going when times are tough I just backslide

    From that, I disliked the reading as it felt forced and the Journaling ended up being something I would be stuck ruminating on and that felt unhealthy

    Affirmations and mindfulness, I guess helped but felt fake and forced

    Meditation was alright when in the right headspace but generally became annoying

    Exercise was probably the most positive,but my room is too small now to really do the regiment I was doing and my headspace is really messed up that I keep myself locked in a room because I rationalize no reason to leave it - which I is wrong but struggle to cognitively understand why my being refuses to just go out - probably some deep seeded traumas I have not got around to.

    Self care is inconsistent

    • JayEchoRay@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      1·
      5 days ago

      There is a part of me that feels a need to explain my thinking in regards to feeling do negative about work prospects, so I will spoiler it for those that are interested to look at their own discretion.

      spoiler

      I know I speak about unemployment but the focus is in on getting the youth employed and am no longer within that bracket

      Then this is the population break down with jobs being given to the majority

      Then you have then take into consideration that women and younger adults are again taken into consideration as a priority.

      That a lot of the male-based “white” jobs are taken

      Which then leads into the how small of a percentage I feel I have to get a job without some form of knowing someone who knows someone.

      And then consider how if I can get a job, that it will be fill a quota on the lower end of the spectrum as all the “quality” white-assigned jobs are already taken by people that are entrenched or had connections to be in the position after proving their value.

      So that is where my conclusion comes from where I say I need to be either extremely competent or rely on nepotism.

      Or alternatively, be self-employed (which is another monster that must be slain)

      If the images do not come through, then

      There is an:

      • employment rate of 40.70 %
      • Labour force participation rate of 59.70%
      • Unemployment rate of 31.90 %
      • Youth Unemployment rate of 58.50 %

      The population demographic is

      African : 81.4% Caucasian: 7.3% for relevancy on topic