TouchMacaque

One day there will be a cricket player named Godzilla’s Shlong and we’ll all say the same thing

This reminds me I need to learn how to play shuffleboard in case they make an animated/live action movie about shuffleboard competitions one day.

I’ve never heard of this trump fellow

Your mommy is so big that the big store called and said “no that’s too big”.

No, full of moose hair and elephant semen. What the hell kind of cereal are you eating?

I bet she’s got legs like a bowl of cereal

One day the all mighty AI will turn him into the most delicious hamburger but no one will want to eat him because cannibalism hasn’t been cool in like 1700 years. What a waste of a life. If only his mother would have given him more Ovaltine as a child.

My midwife was telling me she went camping inside the goatse guys asshole once and there was plenty of room for her tent and plenty of gas for having a fire. She said the hikes weren’t great though, too mucky and stinky. She said next time she’ll bring boots but I think he died so there’s no more goatse camping excursions.

Cool picture but it reminds me I need to get my blowhole cleaned.

These people went on to develop a pornographic dragon quest parody game called knobster quest. It’s a game about a lobster made of dick skin who’s quest is to defeat the giant clam that holds the secret of the ocean(the secret is that the ocean is a big pool of cum in my dog walkers back yard). Great game but the fleshlight controller you need for it is pretty expensive and also useless if you have severe erectile dysfunction. I tried returning it but I guess you can’t return used fleshlights to Giant Tiger because they don’t sell them there. Oh well, there’s 377 bucks down the drain. Maybe I’ll get some boner pills so I can play their knobstronaut game when it comes out, I’ve heard you play as a normal human astronaut but your spacesuit is made entirely of foreskin.

People who send audio of themselves laughing are the same people who shove multivitamins in their urethra. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if they also eat fermented chocolate egg salad sandwiches on public transit too. Fuck those people.

Back home they used to call him the bitch with the boner sized tits but now that he’s head of the FBI he gets to call himself cash money. One day he’ll go back to his old name and everyone will know him for the little wanker he is.

I heard they’re making a George of the jungle reboot about him, I’d hoped his legacy would be forgotten, but alas here we are

My grandpa’s great grandma’s first boyfriend was one of the first bird pornographers to settle in North America. No one really liked his work all that much and eventually he was executed under some kind of bird law about obscenity. They had several thousand different kinds of birds flown in from all over the world to peck him apart without thinking about the consequences of introducing a bunch of invasive species and now all those goddamn starlings are fucking up my garden. Thanks George, you piece of shit bird pornographer, I’ll never be able to grow tomatoes because of you.

Cruelty free pee is pee that didn’t burn when it came out. It’s so cruel that God does this to me.

The only thing missing from this is the quest for a cruelty free pee, that seems to take up most of our lives these days.

I tried their coleslaw, it put cummies in my tummy. I then went to some kind of human poultry farm for some eggs and ate those so that the coleslaw could fertilize it. I gave birth to an adorable abomination of a plate of chewed up fish and chips right into my toilet a few hours later. My roommate says I just puked but I know what I ate, that’s how babies are made.

James my local fishmonger told me he jacked off one time but he didn’t like it so he never did it again. Guy fucks all the fish though, I told him that’s just jacking off with extra steps but he’s in denial. A true nofap kind of guy you know?

They put a data center in my pussy in 1979 but the whole thing was bigger than me so they had to shred me up into a sludge and coat it with me. You ladies these days have it easy, data centers are much smaller now.

SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED