Printers are so cheap nowadays that the solution to every problem is to buy a new one. Paper jam? Out of ink? Random pages coming out with grayscale pictures of demonic forces? Lost the power cable? Buy a new one

I’m not that into historical politics nor am I even american

It’s the exact sequence that lead to the birth of the joker

I’ve always been interested in the business side of beekeeping, do you rent out for pollination and is it worth doing?

It’s human nature to act like you’re in a really bad horror movie when you’re crunched for time.

Wake up and spill your glass of water

Put your underwear on backwards and don’t notice until you’re fully dressed

Drop the toothpaste cap down the drain

Need to poop but constipated

Make a mess putting together your smoothie then drop it on the floor when you’re done

Put your shoes on and realize you don’t know where your car keys are

Find them in the freezer beside your dead parakeet you plan on burying later

Drop the keys locking your front door

Drop the keys unlocking your car

Drop the keys between your seat and centre console, but it’s ok because you have a push to start

Hit every red light

Stuck behind legally blind geriatrics the whole drive

Get out of the car and spill your coffee

Close the door and remember your keys are still in the devil’s crack aka between the seat and centre console

Scrape up your hand reaching into the crack and accidentally wipe blood on your white dress shirt

15 minutes late for work but it’s ok. You remember you were fired last week for being chronically late.

I looked into genetic factors of centurions out of curiousity before and it does largely seem to be nature rather than nurture. Centurions tend to have siblings that are also centurions, both of whom typically have overactive telomerase enzymes. Apparently some type of enzyme that prevents aging of cells. Theoretically, if those same people avoided alcohol and cigs their whole life, they would have lived even longer.

You’re treathbaking! You’re all treathbaking!

Side note, I creeped your profile a little bit to make sure you would understand my humour, and clearly you did because you sent me the “I want a hot dog now” emoji. And I noticed you responded to someone who said Reanu Keeves was the most creative name they’ve seen and now I’m paranoid

Ya seriously, if you have enough structure to your poop you won’t need to scoop. You can pull them out like when you make a small cut just big enough for 1 wiener in a pack of hot dogs to limit oxidation.

Jay-Z

You obviously left out the part about how you OD’d on cake then fell down the stairs like the addict you are. Pathetic

I had the reverse experience. I was in school for finance and I had a roommate that recently graduated with an engineering undergrad. They decided to do a masters in finance because they thought it would be easy. They dropped out after 1 week and said “I have no idea what they’re talking about” like no shit buddy lol

I can’t see it as anything other than a logical fact. If you are alive, you will ineveitably face loss, disease, countless other things outside of your control. The phrasing I read was “to live is to suffer” which is the same in the end.

I just had to google what a substation was. My initial guess was that you made subways lol.

What I’ve learned from this thread is you can fix my laptop

I said I know my ABCs, I didn’t say I know how to structure children’s songs. Next you’re going to expect me to be able to work AND be sober at the same time, SHEESH!

I swear to Oracle that if you make my mouth disappear I will put you on a bus with a speed sensitive explosive

Are you trying to deport me???

Everyone knows the song goes “ex, why, zed. Now I know my ABCs, next time won’t you sing with med”